(Minghui.org) Resentment has always been a big obstacle when it came to my cultivation.
I was born in a remote mountain village in Northwest China. I have an older sister, two younger brothers, and a younger sister. I was the least favored child among my siblings. After several rounds of the Chinese Communist Party’s (CCP) political movements, people did not have enough food or clothing. Poverty, toil, and hunger accompanied me throughout my childhood years.
Resenting My Parents
I already knew that my parents did not favor me when I was three years old. My mother took my sisters and brothers to the neighbor’s house to celebrate their baby’s first birthday, leaving me alone in the kitchen. Our kitchen was in the corner of the yard. When the door was closed, the room was pitch black. I held the door open with both hands, begging my mother not to lock me in. But she pried my fingers away and locked me in anyway. I cried my heart out. Resentment and fear of my parents were planted deep in my heart.
When I was old enough to go to school, my parents instead made me herd sheep to earn work credits. I was in an arranged marriage since I was a baby. When I was ten years old, I was permitted to go to school at the strong request of my future father-in-law. Since I couldn’t earn work credits, I had to work more at home to make up for what was missing. I didn’t have any free time. I collected firewood on the mountain and did all kinds of housework. I had to get up early and collect water, then I went to school. I needed to prepare dinner before my father and mother returned from the field. Then I washed the dishes. After the family went to bed I did my homework under the kerosene lamp.
My younger brothers also went to school, but they led an easy life and everything was provided for them. My mother made me serve them at mealtimes. They ate with my parents while I served them. I was the last one to eat. Since food was scarce, there was often little left for me to eat. My parents did not care if I had enough to eat. One day, I could not bear the hunger. I mixed a little wheat flour with some water wrapped in paper and cooked it on the stove. Suddenly, my mother came in, and she saw it. She threw me to the ground, beat me with the sole of her shoe, and accused me of stealing food. I knew it was not right to steal food, but I could not stand the hunger. I was only 13 years old.
I resented my parents for treating me unfairly and I was jealous of my parents’ preference for my sisters and brothers. I did not understand why everything I did was seen as being wrong. No matter which of my sisters made mistakes, they beat me. My parents were never satisfied, regardless of how much work I did. I developed a strong sense of competition. I always wanted to do everything better because I wanted to be recognized by my parents.
Resenting My Husband
I resented my husband since our marriage. Even though we had enough to eat, we did not get along because of personality differences. My husband was slow, and I could not stand it when he took his time. I had a short fuse and quickly became angry. Since I had a strong personality, and could not tolerate it, we fought constantly.
My husband could not stand me either. He was crude and often hit me. He once kicked me very hard from outside to the kitchen. I fell on the kitchen floor, and my head hit the concrete edge of the stove. When I woke up, he was sitting next to me calling my name. He said he thought I was dead.
I was often covered in bruises and could not get out of bed due to the pain. He dragged me out of bed, kicked me, and ordered me to cook for him. I hated him. I was filled with anger and resentment every day. I often got sick and had to take medicine. I sometimes fainted while working in the field.
I felt that life was meaningless and never thought my life would turn around.
Removing Resentment
After I started practicing Falun Dafa in 2010 I understood the meaning of life. In less than one year I had recovered from all my illnesses, and I felt light and relaxed. I gradually eliminated many of my attachments, but I did not remove my resentment.
Instead of examining myself and eliminating my resentment, I always looked outward. When I sometimes saw my attachment and looked inward, I stopped at the surface level. I still complained to my mother about the unfair way she treated me. I tried to avoid thinking about the past, but the image of my mother beating me and scolding me surfaced. I also hated my husband for beating me. Since I never paid attention to removing my resentment, the old forces seized on my loophole. I was arrested and imprisoned.
After being released from prison, I read Zhuan Falun, the main book of Falun Dafa, and all of Master’s other lectures. By continuously studying the Fa, I realized that my resentment was strong and I had to eliminate it.
Master said:
“The altercations or mistreatment that you encounter as you practice might be either of two scenarios. One is that you mistreated the other person during a past life. Perhaps the situation preys on your mind, and you can’t believe someone would treat you as they are. Well, then you shouldn’t have treated them that way in the past. You might say that you didn’t know better back then and that this lifetime has nothing to do with that one. But you can’t write it off like that.” (The fourth Talk, Zhuan Falun)
This resentment lessened thanks to my intensive Fa study, but I felt that I still hadn’t dug out the root of it. A fellow practitioner recommended the series of articles, Eliminating the CCP Culture on the Minghui website. I was greatly inspired. I never thought I was influenced by the CCP indoctrination, but after listening to the series, I realized that I had been gradually brainwashed due to the CCP indoctrination, and that its thinking and concepts were deeply rooted in my mind. They had been controlling me for decades. Although I changed a lot after practicing Dafa, the attachments of competitiveness, resentment, and jealousy still interfered with me.
I now realize why I did not want to read the related articles before. I was controlled by the CCP indoctrination. If I read those articles, Dafa would disintegrate it. There was a human attachment and a concept formed under the CCP’s control, and it wanted me to continue nourishing it.
It is very dangerous to harbor this resentment, and I wanted to eliminate it. I said, “I don’t want this resentment; please help me get rid of it!” This thought came from the origin of my life. When this thought was in my mind I felt my body and mind change significantly. The depressing feeling in my chest disappeared, as if a big stone weighing on my heart disintegrated. I felt light from head to toe. My body was embraced by a powerful energy—I felt relaxed and wonderful.
I knew that compassionate Master had removed this stubborn resentment that weighed on me. Seeing I had the heart to cultivate but could not enlighten, Master let me experience the realm’s beauty without resentment and attachment to myself. Master’s grace is immense!
My parents and husband were not bad people, but we had many grudges from past lifetimes. My parents had many children, and our living conditions were terrible. They worked hard every day and were often sick. It was not easy for them. I began to cultivate my heart.
When I was arrested both my mother and husband were under a lot of stress. The harm I suffered was also payback for the karmic debts I owed. I need to thank them for providing me with opportunities to improve.
I realize that only by removing resentment can I cultivate compassion and feel the power of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. I was so lucky to find Falun Dafa. Dafa is wonderful! Master is so compassionate. I am filled with gratitude for Master. Master always protects us, and balances the mountain of karmic debts we owe from all our lifetimes. The only way to repay the Master’s kindness is to be more diligent!
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Category: Improving Oneself
